Men love to please women.

Nine out of ten men tell me that what they love most is to experience a woman’s pleasure. The challenge they face is knowing how to get there.

Men love to please women because of what it does for them. It turns them on and excites them. It also feeds their ego.

Women can sense if a man’s wish to please her has more to do with his fantasies, than with her and with his pleasure in just being with her.

A good test of what your desire to please is really about is to ask yourself whether you’ve ever taken the time (and had the courage) to really listen to what she has to say about what pleases her, rather than what you believe she wants or what would most excite you in giving to her. Many women find it difficult to express this or even to know for themselves what they want. There lies your challenge in leading her to discover and express her true desire…

If your giving is more about your fantasies, my advice to you is to rather indulge your fantasies when you’re alone. When you’re with a woman, BE with her.

In my experience and understanding, what pleases women most is a man who is fully present with her. This means giving up the distractions in your mind and simply being with what is right there in the room with you. It also means not being distracted by your ego’s desire to be “successful” in pleasing her. When you stop striving to please her, she may equally stop demanding to be pleased. And you’ll both end the battle of the sexes. Women need to be given the opportunity and the space and the encouragement to own their own pleasure. You can support in getting there …

Be willing just to be with her and to feel how it feels to feel her, and to feel how you feel when you let her feel you.

A truly balanced man has learned how to step into his own pleasure, instead of getting off on her pleasure. A truly balanced woman has learned to take responsibility for her own longing for connection and intimacy.

Only when a man is tapping into his own sexual essence, can he really offer his partner anything. Men are built to feed women with their essence. Most men have forgotten how to hold their essence and energy in a way that women can draw on it.

I would love to show you how …

When a women is in full alignment with her feminine essence, she enjoys being in her body in the way of water. She prefers to flow and blend and melt into her lover. She loves slow breathing, lots of eye contact, honest communication and authentic sharing before inching towards the planes of pleasure. When she feels her desire awakening, she loves to relish it and to feel her partner doing the same ~ relaxed and in awe of the rising vibrations between them. After drinking her fill of this, she may then want to take a break before returning to a slightly higher level of passion and to playing and “dancing the moment” there. Back and forth ~ deeper and deeper. She has no agenda and she isn’t driven to chase anything or to achieve any goal.

A truly feminine women loves to gradually expand into her sexual energy, with no force or haste. She’s built to unfold like a flower in the sun. Her body is delicate and her genitals are sensitive. She loves to feel the throb and pulse of her body awakening, without being over-stimulated. She cannot feel her pleasure when she is handled roughly or casually. She enjoys holding her attention and her awareness on where her body is opening and responding. She can’t do this if her lover is “too busy” with her. She wants to sense his energy building in his body as he opens and expands and fills with desire, but she likes to sense this and taste of it in the spaces between and around them ~ through his eyes and heart, not his groping hands or his grinding loins.

She loves to feel the gentle pulse of a man’s desire deep within her but it can take a while before she is ready for that level of merging. Once there, she loves to ride wave after wave of bio-electric energy. This opens her further, but she needs her delicacy to be appreciated. She doesn’t want to have to worry about protecting her body or her subtle energy. She wants to feel safe and held in loving tenderness. She delights in  meeting your adoring eyes as she dances in this way. She loves to surf in the ecstasy of her undoing and the shared dissolving. She loves to be free of her mind and to lose herself and she really loves to sense that her lover is equally lost in the present moment.

If a women drifts slowly away from the bedroom ~ looking back with a slight longing for more ~ she will stay smiling for days.

“If one wishes to be a lover, he must start by saying ‘YES’ to love. A
lover says yes to life, yes to joy, yes to knowledge, yes to people,
yes to differences. He realizes that all things and people have
something to offer him, that all things are in all things.”

Leo Buscaglia

GRAMMAR

Maxine, back from a weekend with her boyfriend,

smiles like a big cat and says

that she’s a conjugated verb.

She’s been doing the direct object

with a second person pronoun named Phil,

and when she walks into the room,

everybody turns:

~

some kind of light is coming from her head.

Even the geraniums look curious,

and the bees, if they were here, would buzz

suspiciously around her hair, looking

for the door in her corona.

We’re all attracted to the perfume

of fermenting joy,

~

we’ve all tried to start a fire,

and one day maybe it will blaze up on its own.

In the meantime, she is the one today among us

most able to bear the idea of her own beauty,

and when we see it, what we do is natural:

we take our burned hands

out of our pockets,

and clap.

~

by Tony Hoagland

Want to be a successful flirt?

Then you had better master the art of good eye contact and a winning smile.

Researchers have shown that faces are rated as more attractive if they are gazing directly at the viewer – rather than looking slightly to one side.

The powerful effects of confident eye contact are strongest when someone is smiling, psychologists report today.

However, the shifty and the shy, who find it hard to look others in the face, are regarded as far less attractive, a study found.

The look of love: Researchers have shown that faces are rated as more attractive if they are gazing directly at the viewer (posed by models)

Dr Ben Jones, of Aberdeen University, said eye contact was often neglected in discussions about what makes someone attractive. Yet the ability to look another in the eye could make the difference between getting or not getting a job, making a friend or finding love.

Most people regard it as a sign that someone is interested in them or attracted to them, he said.

“People are attracted to people who seem to like them,” he added. “What this study shows is that not all attractiveness is down to physical characteristics.”

The ability to look another in the eye could make the difference between finding love (above Hollywood couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie)

Dr Jones and colleagues, who report their findings in the science journal Proceedings of the Royal Academy B, asked 1,000 student volunteers and people visiting a website to rate a series of computer-generatedfaces.

Identical pairs of faces were doctored so that one face stared directly at the viewer, while the other gazed slightly to the left or the right.

The volunteers were shown images of men and women, and of faces smiling and looking disgusted, and asked to name the more attractive face. Faces that looked directly at the viewer were consistently rated more highly. The effect was strongest when the faces were smiling, and when they belonged to the opposite sex, the scientists found.

However, when the faces were unhappy, eye contact made no difference to their attractiveness.

“There have been lots of studies on what makes faces attractive, but most have focused on physical characteristics,” said Dr Jones.

“We looked at the effect of gaze direction – which is something that changes second by second. We found that people preferred faces that were looking at them more than faces that were looking away.”

Past research at Aberdeen has shown that people with symmetrical faces are regarded as more attractive than those who are a lop-sided.

“Like every man or woman, sometimes I want to flow and enjoy feminine energy and sometimes I want to go straight ahead toward a goal in the masculine style with no interruptions. But my sexual essence happens to be masculine, and so I am attracted to you, a lover with a feminine essence.

I know what I want sexually from you, dear lover. I want to see your feminine light and feel your invitation to merge with your feminine energy. I want to enter and claim your feminine heart open to God. I want to inhabit your loving surrender and open in love’s bliss with you not simply as friends, but as lovers in the play of passion and ravishment.

And yet I often feel you closing down or pushing me away. Sexually, I sometimes feel your coldness and resistance more than your joy of surrender. I know that sometimes it is my fault. I have been insensitive or cruel. And I know sometimes you are just too tired to open. But there are times that I don’t feel your heart open to receive my love even when you seem full of energy and I am fully present with you.

I want to enjoy deep sexual loving with you, but I also want both of us to open for the sake of everyone. I want our bedroom to be a palace of bliss, but I also want our hearts to give their gifts all day, so we live as the fulfillment of love, always opening, feeling everyone, making love through all our daily actions and relationships. I want you to open to me and I want to give you everything, but I also want both of us to open, feel, and offer ourselves to everyone all day.

I hope that together we can liberate our true hearts from our cages of fear. Then, our bodies can merge open in sexual delight and our hours can come and go as love all day.”

from “Dear Lover” by David Deida

I have borrowed these exercises from a site I visit regularly. Enjoy!

“There are three exercises that I always teach as the basis for any Tantric work. They are Deep Belly Breathing, the PC Pump and the Pelvic Tilt. It’s best to learn each independently first so they are second nature. After that, you learn to combine the three.

The Breath

It’s always best to start with the breath. You would be amazed at how difficult it can be to breathe correctly. Some people cannot feel their bodies. If you are one of these people don’t give up, just keep trying and with practice you will get it. You want to really concentrate on taking a slow full breath in. Expand your belly, give room for your lungs to expand fully. Then when you want to exhale, just relax. Again, this may sound easy, but if you experience difficulty in isolating your belly and getting it to go out on the inhale lie down on the floor on your back. Put your hands on your stomach or a book or something so your awareness has somewhere to concentrate the sensation on.

When I coach, I always suggest starting any practice slowly so that you actually end up doing it. For most people an hour commitment every day just seems too difficult so they never begin. But if you start with three or four minutes a day, just lying in your bed before getting up, breathing deeply and consciously, you might actually keep doing it for more than two days. Then the more you do it, the more desire you have to remember to breathe this way. As time goes by you might want to more of it in the morning because it feels so good. You might even start to think of it in the middle of the day and check in on your body to see if you are breathing deeply or not.

People often wonder why I suggest learning this and stress it so much- it’s because there is nothing on the planet that brings us into our bodies and brings us more present to the now than the breath. It’s life and increases life force in our bodies, opening up orgasmic channels that help kundalini to flow.

The PC Pump

Women have been taught about this, the Kegel or PC (pubococcygeus) muscle, and how to exercise it for childbirth for years. We have been told that it reduces the incidence of incontinence that can develop with age. What isn’t communicated, however is the importance of this exercise for men. Studies have shown that doing this exercise reduces prostate problems in men.For both sexes, this exercise enhances your sexual experience. For men it is the basic exercise for learning ejaculatory control and for beginning to learn to be multi orgasmic.

For women, it helps bring on orgasm and enhances your sexual experience, too. If you are a heterosexual woman, you can really enhance both of your and your partner’s experience by learning to milk his vajra (Tantric word for penis. Another is lingham) with your muscles… it feels great to him and wonderful for you.

Some people have a hard time finding the muscle, but it can be easily learned. You just use the same muscles that you contract to stop the flow of urine. If you have any question as to what that feels like or which muscles you are supposed to be using, then practice the next time you pee. When you tighten the right muscle the flow of urine stops. You can start and stop numerous times to integrate the feeling. Then just replicate that feeling when not urinating, going back to checking when you are, just to make sure you have the right muscles. Many people think they are doing the right ones when they are really just contracting their lower stomach muscles. It’s really a good thing to check.

Once you get the basic feeling down, you can play with the the PC Pump in a variety of ways: try tightening lots of times really fast. Then tighten it slowly or alternate fast and slow.Try doing it R…E…..A….L…L..Y slowly, hold, then slowly release.Tighten it to about a third of the way, then again tighter, then again. Then go down in increments.For women, when you reach the bottom, bulge that muscle out like you are pushing a baby out. This is one exercise to begin to ready your body for ejaculation, ladies.

For the women: you can stick you finger inside yoni as you do the exercises to understand the feelings and to give yourself a sort of visual or more integrated kinesthetic knowing of your body. This can be especially helpful when learning milking.

The Pelvic Tilt:

When first learning this one, I have found that the easiest way to feel the sensation is to lie down on your back with knees bent, feet flat on the ground. Take your fingers and feel the area right above cheeks of your butt. Most people have a bit of an indentation on either side of the top of a triangle bone called the sacrum. The bone then continues down into a point about five to six inches or so. This is where you focus.

Usually when lying down in this position, there is a natural curve to the back, with this triangle,or sacrum, slightly arched, leaving a space right above it between your back and the floor. To get the motion down, tighten your thighs a bit and flatten only that sacrum part of your lower butt/back to the floor. Don’t round your whole back, just that part moves. Now press it under a bit more, arching the pubic bone up and tilting it at an angle. Then release and arch it the other way slightly exaggerating the space between the back and the floor. Again…this does not involve the whole back, just that sacrum area.

Try it a few times, then when you feel comfortable, do it rhythmically to a very slow beat, arching first one way then the other. Once feel you have the sensation of what it is supposed to feel like with the added pressure of the floor, you can then sit a zafu (or other pillow) on the floor or on a chair with no arms. Sit up straight on the edge of the chair, spread your legs and begin the motion in that position. Again..all movement is just in that lower part of the body- only movement below the waist should be going on. You can imagine that your pelvis is on a fulcrum moving back and forth while the rest of the body sits still.

Once you have this down, you can practice it in a variety of positions, always focusing on isolating that very lowest part of your body. Eventually you will feel so at ease with this, the Breath and the PC Pump exercises that you will be able to combine them for enhanced meditation practice, increasing orgasmic energy flow throughout the body, controlling sexual orgasmic release and grounding.”

A valuable article from Deva Charu. Much of what she says is what I’ve found to be true in so many ways:

As the things that used to titillate me and turn me on dissolve, I find myself asking what is it to be ‘turned on’ when it does not come from my brain?

It seems to me that most of the things that are sexually exciting to us as human beings fall under one of the following categories:

1. forbidden in some way eg. making love in public

2. inaccessible, unrequited eg. lusting after someones spouse

3. ‘bad’, unethical, just plain ‘wrong’ eg. sleeping with someones spouse, a teacher, co-worker

4. shameful eg. longing for some sordid sexual act

5. punish-able eg. (see ‘bad’, unethical)

6. somehow involving control eg. a feeling ‘if I am sexy enough to win this persons attention, I have ‘won’ control over them

For some(most) of us, we have been raised so isolated from sex and sexuality that we are turned on by anything sexual because to us it somehow falls into one of these categories.

And yet, when we find ourselves in loving, committed relationships, these elements are generally not a part of it, or if they are, the novelty wears off after a while and we are left with a person we love, who loves us and…???  How in the world do you get turned on within such freedom and love?

I always had a feeling that most of the time when I felt ‘titillated’ it came from my brain…being a meditator I imagined that as I let go of listening to what my mind was telling me, and little by little found my way back to the wisdom of my body, that all of these turn-ons would go away and I would begin to discover what is ‘authentic sexuality’.

I believe that I have had moments of this.  The first of which occurred for me in India at the Osho commune.  Each evening we would do a 3 hour meditation which involved dancing, listening to a lecture, speaking gibberish (making sounds), and resting silently…whenever I would participate in this meditation I would feel my heart open, and with it, my vagina.  I would often leave the meditation hall feeling a slippery wetness dripping down my legs…I felt very alive, and none of it came from stimulating my brain or what I had come to believe was sexy.  It was simply a bodily response.

I have also felt this several times within my relationship, moments when I have felt so loved, and allowed myself to receive that love…as my heart would open, my vagina would open in a completely genuine, alive delicious way.

…and, of course, one of the main things that drew me to Tantra, and that keeps me consistently dedicated to this practice is that in Tantra I have often felt the sweet, authentic, connected opening that I so long for.

Several times in my life, including right now, I have felt a wall come up, or a switch has been flipped ‘off’.  The things that once turned me on no longer do and I feel strange and slightly less than human.

Although I regularly practice opening my heart and my body, it seems that the door to my authentic sexuality does not yet know how to stay open consistently and I find myself in an uncomfortable numbness.  Or perhaps it is that as I am opening more and more and journeying deeper into unknown territory inside of me, I am gradually uncovering walled-off areas that I had been able to avoid when I was more disconnected.  Perhaps there was a more comfortable layer of behavior that has been burned away by the meditation and I am sitting with parts of myself that I had been safely avoiding.

My intuition says that something beautiful is happening for me, that I am meeting a new side of myself and as I allow myself to feel what is happening in my body, I will begin to discover a new level of authenticity…perhaps make new ground-breaking discoveries about what is available between man and woman.  Perhaps touch the depths of myself on a new level and learn to experience even more of life, even more of lovemaking, even more intimacy.

In the meantime, I am having trouble letting go and allowing.  I feel confused, frustrated and wrong for experiencing this.  I feel a responsibility to satisfy my partner, I feel a pressure from within to ‘hurry up and get through this’ so that I can again feel alive the way that I once did.

I am afraid of the unknown.  Afraid of what comes after this point.

The point beyond excitement into a discovery of essential arousal.

in love,

Charu

One of the more common reasons that male clients come to see me, has  to do with “premature ejaculation.” Surprisingly, many men feel that they are the exception in this, rather than the norm. There is also a fair amount of uncertainty on when one should tag on the label -  as in how premature is premature?

Looking at the word premature, it implies being not yet mature – or ripe. In that sense, it would be premature to end something that you want to continue enjoying. Unfortunately for most couples, orgasmic release generally ends things. This sense  of  “losing control” can be frustrating and disappointing – not at all what one wants to add into the mix of concerns we already have to deal with. So why is this chase and avoidance causing so much distress?

When it comes to sex, most people expect things to ultimately climax in “an orgasm.” I remember a few years ago how hard I used to have to work to arrive at this desired outcome. And to tell you a secret, it wasn’t just my orgasm that seemed hard to come by – so to speak. One of the the things that spurred me into exploring sexuality with such intensity, was my frustration at the way sex seemed so not what I felt in my gut that it could be. In fact I left my marriage at a cost to all I believed and trusted, because I reached a point where I knew that the sex was just never going to change and I couldn’t face living with it the way it was.

A lot of what I love about meditative sex is that orgasmic release is no longer the peak moment. In fact chasing orgasm or it’s opposite – trying to delay or avoid one – can become such a focal point that “the moment” is lost. When you drop the desire for building tension in order to explode that tension out again, you step into the bliss of being. You find that you’re now free to enjoy fully and intensely within a space of deep relaxation.

When you think about it, foreplay is really about touch.

Most women are very sensitive to the quality and intent of touch. The best way to see this is to do the following simple
exercise that will only take 5 minutes of your time.

Tell your lover that you are going to touch in different ways for one minute at a time. Now touch your partner only from the fingers to the elbows.

Now each minute touch a different way and tell your partner when you are changing but not what you are doing different.

* Touch like you are massaging.

* Touch with your mind on work, money etc

* Touch with total concentration on the sensations under your fingers and the pleasure of this.

* Touch to try to turn on your lover.

Now have a discussion on which type of touch felt more erotic and sensual.

Take turns and swap roles and then compare notes.

Most people find that paying a lot of attention to the sensations when touching, allows the receiver to feel much more pleasure.

One could call this being present in the touch. Many women find it difficult to find a man that is really present in lovemaking.

Most men seem to focus on trying to turn on their lover and are very goal orientated. This simple exercise shows how easy it is to be more present in one’s touch.

MAURICE TATE

The following piece is from the e-newsletter of an American sex educator by the name of Maurice Tate. He’s quite an unusual person and rather radical in the way he writes and the services he offers:

When we first had this experience some years ago, she described a
state beyond thoughts and which was much deeper than sexual pleasure.
It was like she went beyond pleasure into a spiritual place of no
boundaries and intense ecstasy.

I noticed a nice change in my lover that lasted for months. She seems
much more content and loving, less critical and much more fulfilled.

The following are some tips to these deep sexual states based on my
own experiences with two lovers, one from the past and my current
girlfriend.

I asked my girlfriend some questions about these experiences:

“It takes time for me to enter into these states. I do not think too
much, but rather just surrender into the flow of sex. Its like
dancing when your body just moves to the music totally effortlessly.
I am in the moment, in the energetic flow, in my heart and feeling
totally open.

I start to expand out of the density into a higher finer vibration
and be in that. So I come out of the density of my body and go up
to a higher, finer vibration.

Its like my awareness expands and everything stops and just is. The
world drops away and it is more like expanding out of my physical
body but I am still in it. I enter into or expend into higher
vibrational senses, beyond orgasm.

Its like finding more of my whole self, experiencing my inner
stillness and universal energy. This state also has a witnessing
quality.

I need my lover to feel present with me energetically. Its like a
sexual dance and we both follow the sexual energy. It is a dance of
ecstasy.

When I start to dive deep, it helps me if I feel he is entering that
state too. The man needs to be able to step into a place when a women
totally opens, of carefully, honoring, supporting and loving me.

Sometimes I will follow my partners breath and sometimes he follows
my breath. By dong this I can experience energy circulating between
us”

I asked her what is one thing to focus on to develop these deep states.

“One has to risk being totally open, totally vulnerable. It took me
many years of sexual exploration to really experience this”

That last line may seem a little discouraging :) Or else it can be seen as a wonderful invitation to what you can be busy with for the rest of your life. Even though what is described seems a little unconventional and may sound much too unusual to even imagine getting there, in my experience it takes a desire to explore and the willingness to let go – increasingly. It’s not a fast-track method. You won’t find it in the pages of Cosmo or Men’s Health. Why not? Because it involves changing your basic way of living and being. In order to be as quiet and patient as what she is describing (which is the key to opening the body to this type of bliss) you have to develop an inner stillness and a surrender to non-doing that is quite the opposite to our typical Western life-style.

There are many ways in which men and women are quite naturally wired for this, and with a little help and guidance, both men and women can find their role and step into it.

Two other excellent articles are:

Making sex last longer

And one I would highly recommend:

Daily sexual devotion

Extracted from the writings of a profoundly wise man:

I heard this story once about a boy-child born into this world. The first thing that happened was his mother’s nipple was thrust into his face. Then, after a relatively short period, it was removed and forever hidden away from him.

Poor little fellow, without him consciously realizing it, he spent the rest of his life trying to see it and suck on it again. Every women he met became a potential candidate for this desperately sought reunion.

He was often hungry and restless because of this dilema.

Then, one day he met a very wise women. She said to him – “I am not your mother – No woman is – Leave my breasts alone – God is your only Mother – Go find her nipple and don’t come back until you know what I am. Only then will I lay naked in your arms.”

This really messed up everything for him. He had lived his whole life up to that moment assuming he knew what love is and why he did what he did in the world.

It was a shocking revelation: MAN-NIPPLE-NATION … MANIPULATION!

Within this revelation he perceived clearly that while he treated women this way, while he treated ANYTHING this way – he was nothing more than an insatiable sucker.

Oh! I suddenly realized…this is a story about me!

The Lover’s Touch by Diana Daffner

The Lover asked: How would you like me to touch you?

The Lover answered:

I would like you to touch me as if you were going away tomorrow, far far away, and you wanted to remember the feel of my body, the texture of my skin, the hills and valleys that make up the landscape of who I am.

I would like you to touch me as if you were blind, knowing that you love me, but unable to see me. Touch my face, my breasts, my belly, my toes… learn what I “look” like, imagine me in your mind as your hands explore my shape.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were healing hands, radiating love energy with every stroke. Feel the energy penetrating through skin, through flesh, entering into the cells of my body.

I would like you to touch me as if you gained your nourishment through your hands. Feed on me, drink deeply, and draw from your touch the love that I hold for you.

I would like you to touch me as if you were feeding me through your hands, as if by your touch I am nourished and sustained. Every inch of me cries out for your touch, yearns to be fed.

I would like you to touch me as if your hand were a feather, lightly caressing the edge of my being.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were paintbrushes, and as you caress me, you are coloring me in brilliant, sparkling, dazzling hues.

I would like you to touch me as if you were erasing the outer me, allowing me to reveal my inner self to you.

I would like you to touch me as if you had carved a sculpture, and were now feeling its finish, smoothing out any rough areas, enjoying the finished product.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were fire, burning away the dross and leaving only the pure gold of my soul.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were sponges, soaking up the essence of my being.

I would like you to caress me as if I were made of dry clay, and by dampening my skin you enliven my spirit.

I would like you to touch me as if my skin were soft velvet.

I would like you to touch me as if you were a musician, and your touch brought forth different sounds from different parts of me.

I would like you to touch me as if I were a rare jewel, precious and valuable.

I would like you to touch me as if I were your Lover.

Source

As I move through life, deepening my understanding of tantra and the ways in which sexuality and spirituality merge in an incredibly beautiful and perfectly fitting match, I’m continuously amazed to discover how the theory lives up to itself in practice.

I often meet with people who have little or no experience of the concept of energy and who are fairly skeptical of it. Most of my family and some friends sadly distance themselves from me because of the worlds I move in and am exploring. I understand their fears and prejudices and use my encounter with their aversions to continue to embrace new realms of releasing judgment within myself. I’m so grateful though, that life has brought me access into these untapped realms of life experience.

We grow up in a society where the literal and the scientific is exalted above the mystical. Anything vaguely mystical is usually filtered through the narrow margins of a popular christian view. Anything vaguely eastern is considered highly suspect and certainly likely to be “dangerous” or “weird.” Sadly, what is lost is the opportunity to experience a realm of beauty, subtlety, and delight that is actually perfectly normal and generally felt and enjoyed at some point in life, but just not recognized for what it is.

In this I’m referring to the sensations of shivers and tremors that we experience either when we touch or are touched very gently and tenderly with great presence and awareness of the moment, or when we catch someone’s eye in a way that is direct and open – with few barriers or veils. I think everybody can identify some time of experiencing such encounters. Whether they were sexual or not is irrelevant – although generally they would be seen to be romantic/sensual/deeply moving in a manner of “attraction.”

Many of us are slightly uncomfortable with such forms of intimacy. Others crave but also fear such encounters, perhaps because of how deeply we feel them. I think there is a high degree of longing for this form of “supernatural” encounter that is substituted by other activities such is high energy sports and social events in an unconscious hope to capture some measure of the thrill we feel in those rare times of intimate human exchange that are stripped of pretense and guardedness. It’s a real pity that we have gone so far away from our natural, innocent willingness to feel into one other’s subtle emotional/energetic spaces that we seldom get to the real thing, and instead spend a lot of time, money and energy on the replacement forms of it.

I trust you’re following what I’m saying. If I’m being too vague, please comment and I’ll try to clarify.

The following is a beautiful article I’m borrowing from a Facebook friend by the name of Kathy Kali. It speaks of the route to enjoying the subtle body sensations that I’ve been alluding to above:

Open your hand and let it rest. Your hands are used to “doing” something. Let your hand just do nothing for a moment. Feel the pulse of life in your palm, in your fingers. Letting go of your notions of what a hand is, feel the subtle energies in this part of your body. Notice the energy as vibration…as color…as sound. Let the energies circulate and expand, until you are no longer in your hand. You are in your hand’s subtle body.

What is the subtle body? The deep and subtle and quiet and slow aspects of our being are our deep feminine essence. Activating this subtle body, with receptivity, allows us to channel pleasurable energies more deeply. It is our transmitter. The more we “tune in” to the subtle places within ourselves, the more nourishment we can receive, and the more energy we can channel.

I’ve personally experienced the subtle body as a sweet tingling, a softness, a cloud of energy, and a sense of great space, within my body. In addition, when I feel a lot of pleasure or inner fire come through the Tantric Dance, it often feels as if the pleasure is moving up a central tube, or channel, in my core. Your subtle body may feel different to you. Allow yourself to explore and let your subtlety come through in its own way.

To cultivate awareness of your subtle body, I offer the following simple exercise:

1. Get comfortable and ground.
Lie, sit, stand, whatever your body feels called to right now. Feel your connection to the earth, and relax.

2. Belly breath.
Breathe into the belly, and release. Continue. This connects you with your life force, and deepens your grounding.

3. Notice the breath.
Feel the breath filling your belly and torso, and releasing. Notice any other places the breath wants to travel: your limbs, your back, your neck, your head…

4. Core vibration.
Feel the breath and the energy emanating from it, as vibration. Absorb this vibration, drink it in, and take into the depth of your being. Notice any sensations, sounds, sights, smells…

5. Do nothing.

Keep breathing, but do nothing else. You are in your subtle body.

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The Lover’s Touch by Diana Daffner

The Lover asked: How would you like me to touch you?

The Lover answered:

I would like you to touch me as if you were going away tomorrow, far far away, and you wanted to remember the feel of my body, the texture of my skin, the hills and valleys that make up the landscape of who I am.

I would like you to touch me as if you were blind, knowing that you love me, but unable to see me. Touch my face, my breasts, my belly, my toes… learn what I “look” like, imagine me in your mind as your hands explore my shape.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were healing hands, radiating love energy with every stroke. Feel the energy penetrating through skin, through flesh, entering into the cells of my body.

I would like you to touch me as if you gained your nourishment through your hands. Feed on me, drink deeply, and draw from your touch the love that I hold for you.

I would like you to touch me as if you were feeding me through your hands, as if by your touch I am nourished and sustained. Every inch of me cries out for your touch, yearns to be fed.

I would like you to touch me as if your hand were a feather, lightly caressing the edge of my being.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were paintbrushes, and as you caress me, you are coloring me in brilliant, sparkling, dazzling hues.

I would like you to touch me as if you were erasing the outer me, allowing me to reveal my inner self to you.

I would like you to touch me as if you had carved a sculpture, and were now feeling its finish, smoothing out any rough areas, enjoying the finished product.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were fire, burning away the dross and leaving only the pure gold of my soul.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were sponges, soaking up the essence of my being.

I would like you to caress me as if I were made of dry clay, and by dampening my skin you enliven my spirit.

I would like you to touch me as if my skin were soft velvet.

I would like you to touch me as if you were a musician, and your touch brought forth different sounds from different parts of me.

I would like you to touch me as if I were a rare jewel, precious and valuable.

I would like you to touch me as if I were your Lover.

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In love­making, more thrusting does not necessarily mean more pleasure. With stillness, a man’s penis will begin to direct him how to make love, when to move, when to be still. For both partners, motionlessness has the psychological effect of quieting the mind, and it can also be used to moderate your arousal. During intense lovemaking, stop the thrusting, hold your body still and enjoy the sensations that had been camouflaged by the intensity of the thrusting.

(Note: I’m finding that life can be kinda like this too – in many areas.)

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I was just reading an article on a topic that many men express a sense of confusion or frustration over – how to please a woman!?

While I don’t think it’s necessary to go overboard trying to figure out how to please her, I do think there are useful thoughts to bear in mind. My view on that longing to please her is that it stems from a desire in men to be more in touch with their sexual power and to know how to let it flow towards women, as well as their desire to be with a women who knows how to receive this energy. I’d love to talk about that, and look forward to doing so.

Here are the points in the article that I found most true – and a link to the article if the subject interests you:

What Do Women Want?

by Pam Babbit

Don’t regularly ask your partner to do things you can do for yourself.  Women often resent being in the role of a maid, secretary, or mother, and it becomes more of a challenge for them to then step into the role of lover.

~~~

Thank your partner after lovemaking – right then and there – it’s essential.

~~~

Touch your partner in different ways, at different times, and in different locations – a hand on the small of her back as you are walking, a very light tickle on the palm of her hand during a dinner date, softly outline her lips with your finger, give gentle hair tugs, place a warm hand on the back of her neck, slowly arouse her by touching through her clothes, gently nibble her lips, and her ears – you get the picture.

~~~

Women are more self-critical than men, and especially when it comes to their bodies. Sensi­tivity and understanding in this area can have a big impact.

Consider this – “I can see that you’re upset about the weight you’ve gained.  You always turn me on and I love touching you.”

Rather than this – “So you’ve gained 5 pounds. Five isn’t that much. Why are you so upset?  You’ve gained that before.”

~~~

Women are more likely to have “conditions “ for sex.  They may not want sex when they’ve had a horrible day or when you’ve both been snarky all day, after a huge meal, after a hard work­out, or before a shower.  Recognize and acknow­ledge these conditions, rather than criticize, and offer to do what you can to help satisfy her needs.  She will feel cherished.

~~~

Women often repeat themselves when they don’t feel heard, or when they haven’t received the empathy they seek.

Consider this – Listen, listen, listen.  Look her in the eye, and take her hand.  Honor her need to talk.  Don’t interrupt and do not try to fix it.  Just stay present.

Rather than this – “When are you going to let that go?”

~~~

Don’t rely on your looks.  Women are much more attracted to heart.

~~~

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THOSE HORMONES.

Very recent studies indicate that in addition to the regular nerves we have buried in our skin there are some new types that have been discovered. These unmyelinated, specialized nerve fibers, called C-tactile fibers, each cover about one square centimeter of skin. They are purely pleasure fibers and have a direct route to the brain. And, they send stronger signals than pain receptors. Yes, soft, erotic touch can relieve pain.

Consider this fact: according to Dr. Daniel Amen, in his book Sex on The Brain, women are about ten times more sensitive to the great sensations of soft touch than men are. This means that you heterosexual fellows need to realize how starting slowly, with a lot of touch, can make a good evening into a great one.

Since your imagination is built on memories and your memories are built on experiences it is obvious we need to be creating new, positive experiences all the time. Touching one another is a very good place to start training your body, mind and spirit to receive Love Potion #9 – Oxytocin. Oxytocin, is the love and bonding neurotransmitter. It is released during orgasm, breastfeeding, childbirth, eye gazing, cuddling, touching and more. Science is discovering new ways we express it all the time.

One of the most intriguing things about giving touch is that if you follow a simple rule not only will the quality of the touching you give go way up you’ll have a mindfulness practice that brings you pleasure, too. The next time you decide to give a soft, sensual massage, or simply touch your lover, pay deep attention to your own fingertips. You don’t even have to think about your lover right now. Just notice your own fingers. Imagine that they are feeling outrageous and that it’s getting even better by the minute. Put your entire mind on your own fingers. Feel them. Pleasure them. Your lover is going to go wild because this is a game that can only get better as it goes on. If your fingertips are feeling this good then your lover is going to feel incredible. It is that simple.

This is a mindfulness practice. You’re getting triple duty here. You are training your mind, feeling incredible and your partner is getting one big, erotic experience. If you want to up the ante a bit then put a blindfold on the receiver. About 50% of our sense receiving comes from the eyes so if you eliminate the eyes you’re adding a lot of bandwidth to the other senses.

The other great thing about the C-tactile fibers and erotic touch is that you can pleasure yourself. The consequences are actually incredible. Think about it. Unlike trying to tickle yourself, which doesn’t ever work, you can be your own pleasure-giver! You can train yourself to be ready and even primed for sex. If you try the practice above solo I bet you could get yourself up to about a level 4 or 5 on a scale of 10 by breathing deeply and softly running your own fingertips over your arms, thighs and neck.

If you’re at work or in public, watch where you’re touching please.

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Your PC or pubo­coccygeus muscle is significant to your sexual fitness.

In both men and women it is a hammock shaped muscle that encompasses the genitals. If you are not familiar with it, it is the muscle that you would use to stop the flow when you are urinating. PC exercise instruction is de­finitely one of the most effective tips on how to improve sex.

Women’s PC squeezes are often referred to as Kegel exercises, after Dr. Arnold H. Kegel (1894–1981) a gynecologist who invented the Kegel Perineometer (used for measuring vaginal air pressure), and kegel exercises.

The PC muscle naturally weakens with age, and its muscle strength can be regained fairly quickly. As with any mus­cle in your body, as you squeeze it you are increasing the blood flow which car­ries oxygen and adds to your sexual fitness. You are physically strengthening a significant muscle in your genitals and you are also energetically bringing life to that area.

A strong PC muscle can positively effect your arousal, erections, orgasms and your libido, and will help tighten the vaginal muscles. PC squeezes during intercourse often heighten the pleasure, and may even bring on an orgasm or intensify one. Incorporate some PC squeezes in your self-pleasuring, and use them to bring variety to your partner pleasuring.

Slow kegels – Inhale as you tighten your PC and hold it for a slow count of three. Release your PC as you exhale. Repeat.

Quick kegels – Inhale and tighten, then exhale and relax as rapidly as you can for ten seconds.

As a general rule of thumb – do 50 kegels a day, or 100 three times a week. Build the number of repetitions gradually, and stop if there is any pain.

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