Women want to talk about men . . .

More specifically, all the things that men need to change or do differently in order for the relationship to work or for her to be happy. When did women get so out of balance that her happiness became a man’s responsibility?

A woman who is out of balance with herself imagines that all of the concerns in the relationship would disappear “if only he would change” or “if he would share his feelings”.

She becomes overly concerned with his emotional state and the fact that he “doesn’t share”. And when asked why she feels unhappy she will say, “it’s about Bob, I think he needs to do something new”.

Women tell men that they are not being “real men” and complain to each other that “he is not man enough for me”.

There is only one remedy for a woman to take – to realise that she needs to be more of a woman in order for her to experience the men around her differently, she needs to be willing to be vulnerable, to be tender, to be soft, exposed, expressive in her feminine essence. So many women have lost sight of what it is to be a woman. We have examples of the totally submissive woman throwing herself away and the totally emasculating woman taking control of everything. But where did the in tune, in touch, healthy expressive version of the feminine go? Where is the woman who is open, receptive, and wise? A real woman relaxes into her feeling nature, she uses structures and masculine intention where necessary but the way she moves within is from her feeling base, connected to herself as the source of knowing and feeling.

A real woman will nurture and tend to her inner needs. She will take time and space to recognise what is of value in her life, and she will give priority to what is of value. She will nurture real, loving and intimate communion with other women. She will support the men around her to grow, she will let him know what moves her, what touches her deeply and she will let him know when she experiences him being out of alignment with his values.

A real woman does not manipulate or use her sexuality to feel powerful or to fulfil her egoic desires for attention. She will not repress her sexuality or undervalue the natural power of her relaxed sensual, sexual being.

She will nurture herself sexually, she will feel confidently alive and loving and vibrant in her body. She is also discerning, she knows when to say yes and when to say no. In sexual relating, she will experience herself as open and receptive and she may be available to one man or many. She feels into the sexual opportunities to ascertain whether there is something of value for her, for him or both. She may ask, “Will it support us to move towards creating a more loving space for being of service to our communities?”

She gives herself lovingly to a man without expectation or condition. She allows her source, her love, to overflow and touch the man’s heart deeply.

She leaves a man free to discover for himself what it means to be a man. She takes care of her inner feminine and inner masculine so that she falls so deeply in love with life, there is no way out. She nurtures only that which is real inside of her. She drops all stories, agendas, performances and fantasies. She knows the quality experiences of connecting with her essence and she lives from this place. Sharing her essence with the world never drains her, is never a chore, simply an opportunity to share and amplify her inner experience.

She interfaces with the world through the feminine; she is tender, compassionate and loving in all thoughts and actions. The way she feels is expressed in her tone of voice, the way she holds her body and the expression on her face.

She celebrates life and inspires men and women to rejoice in life and the unique expression of their essence. She knows that men become men when women become women, as that is the way of polarity.

Polarity is always balancing itself, when a woman has moved into a masculine posture, the men she attracts will be more feminine; and when a woman falls deeply into her feminine she attracts masculine men. Women may force the premature end of a relationship due to “his lack of manliness”. However, she would find that through taking care of herself and learning to express her feminine, either the relationship will shift and he would reclaim the masculine space or the relationship will fall away, leaving her to attract a partner who is a more suitable polarity match.

So whenever, we are experiencing discomfort in our relationships and waiting for the other to change, look inside, ask yourself what needs to be taken care of internally. The discomfort is simply your own being calling you home. The joy of life is restored when men and women remember who they truly are.

SOURCE

Men love to please women.

Nine out of ten men tell me that what they love most is to experience a woman’s pleasure. The challenge they face is knowing how to get there.

Men love to please women because of what it does for them. It turns them on and excites them. It also feeds their ego.

Women can sense if a man’s wish to please her has more to do with his fantasies, than with her and with his pleasure in just being with her.

A good test of what your desire to please is really about is to ask yourself whether you’ve ever taken the time (and had the courage) to really listen to what she has to say about what pleases her, rather than what you believe she wants or what would most excite you in giving to her. Many women find it difficult to express this or even to know for themselves what they want. There lies your challenge in leading her to discover and express her true desire…

If your giving is more about your fantasies, my advice to you is to rather indulge your fantasies when you’re alone. When you’re with a woman, BE with her.

In my experience and understanding, what pleases women most is a man who is fully present with her. This means giving up the distractions in your mind and simply being with what is right there in the room with you. It also means not being distracted by your ego’s desire to be “successful” in pleasing her. When you stop striving to please her, she may equally stop demanding to be pleased. And you’ll both end the battle of the sexes. Women need to be given the opportunity and the space and the encouragement to own their own pleasure. You can support in getting there …

Be willing just to be with her and to feel how it feels to feel her, and to feel how you feel when you let her feel you.

A truly balanced man has learned how to step into his own pleasure, instead of getting off on her pleasure. A truly balanced woman has learned to take responsibility for her own longing for connection and intimacy.

Only when a man is tapping into his own sexual essence, can he really offer his partner anything. Men are built to feed women with their essence. Most men have forgotten how to hold their essence and energy in a way that women can draw on it.

I would love to show you how …

When a women is in full alignment with her feminine essence, she enjoys being in her body in the way of water. She prefers to flow and blend and melt into her lover. She loves slow breathing, lots of eye contact, honest communication and authentic sharing before inching towards the planes of pleasure. When she feels her desire awakening, she loves to relish it and to feel her partner doing the same ~ relaxed and in awe of the rising vibrations between them. After drinking her fill of this, she may then want to take a break before returning to a slightly higher level of passion and to playing and “dancing the moment” there. Back and forth ~ deeper and deeper. She has no agenda and she isn’t driven to chase anything or to achieve any goal.

A truly feminine women loves to gradually expand into her sexual energy, with no force or haste. She’s built to unfold like a flower in the sun. Her body is delicate and her genitals are sensitive. She loves to feel the throb and pulse of her body awakening, without being over-stimulated. She cannot feel her pleasure when she is handled roughly or casually. She enjoys holding her attention and her awareness on where her body is opening and responding. She can’t do this if her lover is “too busy” with her. She wants to sense his energy building in his body as he opens and expands and fills with desire, but she likes to sense this and taste of it in the spaces between and around them ~ through his eyes and heart, not his groping hands or his grinding loins.

She loves to feel the gentle pulse of a man’s desire deep within her but it can take a while before she is ready for that level of merging. Once there, she loves to ride wave after wave of bio-electric energy. This opens her further, but she needs her delicacy to be appreciated. She doesn’t want to have to worry about protecting her body or her subtle energy. She wants to feel safe and held in loving tenderness. She delights in  meeting your adoring eyes as she dances in this way. She loves to surf in the ecstasy of her undoing and the shared dissolving. She loves to be free of her mind and to lose herself and she really loves to sense that her lover is equally lost in the present moment.

If a women drifts slowly away from the bedroom ~ looking back with a slight longing for more ~ she will stay smiling for days.

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measles-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

~ Mary Oliver

“If one wishes to be a lover, he must start by saying ‘YES’ to love. A
lover says yes to life, yes to joy, yes to knowledge, yes to people,
yes to differences. He realizes that all things and people have
something to offer him, that all things are in all things.”

Leo Buscaglia

GRAMMAR

Maxine, back from a weekend with her boyfriend,

smiles like a big cat and says

that she’s a conjugated verb.

She’s been doing the direct object

with a second person pronoun named Phil,

and when she walks into the room,

everybody turns:

~

some kind of light is coming from her head.

Even the geraniums look curious,

and the bees, if they were here, would buzz

suspiciously around her hair, looking

for the door in her corona.

We’re all attracted to the perfume

of fermenting joy,

~

we’ve all tried to start a fire,

and one day maybe it will blaze up on its own.

In the meantime, she is the one today among us

most able to bear the idea of her own beauty,

and when we see it, what we do is natural:

we take our burned hands

out of our pockets,

and clap.

~

by Tony Hoagland

Want to be a successful flirt?

Then you had better master the art of good eye contact and a winning smile.

Researchers have shown that faces are rated as more attractive if they are gazing directly at the viewer – rather than looking slightly to one side.

The powerful effects of confident eye contact are strongest when someone is smiling, psychologists report today.

However, the shifty and the shy, who find it hard to look others in the face, are regarded as far less attractive, a study found.

The look of love: Researchers have shown that faces are rated as more attractive if they are gazing directly at the viewer (posed by models)

Dr Ben Jones, of Aberdeen University, said eye contact was often neglected in discussions about what makes someone attractive. Yet the ability to look another in the eye could make the difference between getting or not getting a job, making a friend or finding love.

Most people regard it as a sign that someone is interested in them or attracted to them, he said.

“People are attracted to people who seem to like them,” he added. “What this study shows is that not all attractiveness is down to physical characteristics.”

The ability to look another in the eye could make the difference between finding love (above Hollywood couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie)

Dr Jones and colleagues, who report their findings in the science journal Proceedings of the Royal Academy B, asked 1,000 student volunteers and people visiting a website to rate a series of computer-generatedfaces.

Identical pairs of faces were doctored so that one face stared directly at the viewer, while the other gazed slightly to the left or the right.

The volunteers were shown images of men and women, and of faces smiling and looking disgusted, and asked to name the more attractive face. Faces that looked directly at the viewer were consistently rated more highly. The effect was strongest when the faces were smiling, and when they belonged to the opposite sex, the scientists found.

However, when the faces were unhappy, eye contact made no difference to their attractiveness.

“There have been lots of studies on what makes faces attractive, but most have focused on physical characteristics,” said Dr Jones.

“We looked at the effect of gaze direction – which is something that changes second by second. We found that people preferred faces that were looking at them more than faces that were looking away.”

Past research at Aberdeen has shown that people with symmetrical faces are regarded as more attractive than those who are a lop-sided.

“Like every man or woman, sometimes I want to flow and enjoy feminine energy and sometimes I want to go straight ahead toward a goal in the masculine style with no interruptions. But my sexual essence happens to be masculine, and so I am attracted to you, a lover with a feminine essence.

I know what I want sexually from you, dear lover. I want to see your feminine light and feel your invitation to merge with your feminine energy. I want to enter and claim your feminine heart open to God. I want to inhabit your loving surrender and open in love’s bliss with you not simply as friends, but as lovers in the play of passion and ravishment.

And yet I often feel you closing down or pushing me away. Sexually, I sometimes feel your coldness and resistance more than your joy of surrender. I know that sometimes it is my fault. I have been insensitive or cruel. And I know sometimes you are just too tired to open. But there are times that I don’t feel your heart open to receive my love even when you seem full of energy and I am fully present with you.

I want to enjoy deep sexual loving with you, but I also want both of us to open for the sake of everyone. I want our bedroom to be a palace of bliss, but I also want our hearts to give their gifts all day, so we live as the fulfillment of love, always opening, feeling everyone, making love through all our daily actions and relationships. I want you to open to me and I want to give you everything, but I also want both of us to open, feel, and offer ourselves to everyone all day.

I hope that together we can liberate our true hearts from our cages of fear. Then, our bodies can merge open in sexual delight and our hours can come and go as love all day.”

from “Dear Lover” by David Deida

A beautifully written article by a new friend/comrade:

Fully understood, Tantra is devotional work. Fundamentally, the intention is to encourage experiences that offer a glimpse into our own connection with the Divine. The focus is on healing and wholeness – not as in “being fixed or changed,” but as in cleansing, clarifying, and nourishing oneself. Key aspects of the experience:
• Quieting the mind
• Expanding the heart
• Building the energy/raising the vibration of our cellular vessel
• Surrendering to spirit

You are inviting an experience and appreciation of your own innate perfection and possibility, demonstrating your willingness to trust life, trust energy, trust the divine in yourself and others.

Each connection is entirely unique, entirely perfect unto itself and each person’s experience. No one can promise any specific experience or result. Having said that, one can anticipate that by intentionally inviting the energies of the inner Masculine and Feminine into sacred dance, there will be an exchange of affirmations and healings beyond any specific intention or attempt to control. Tantra is an unconditional celebration of aliveness.

Also, there are certain themes that emerge on a consistent basis (beyond, yet related to, the four things mentioned above).

• Increased clarity. I am not speaking of intellectual clarity (although that might come along for the ride!) I am speaking of a kind of innate resolution that seems to occur afterward, where tantric participants have a deeper sense of knowingness and trust in their own sense of who they are and what they want to manifest in life.

• Increased sense of personal courage. In this society, it is a brave and rebellious choice to consciously explore one’s own sexual energies. It is an act of personal empowerment. There are so many obstacles to and imprecations against intimate exploration, affirmation, and celebration … the mere choice to open to the experience naturally infuses one with a sense of personal affirmation and encouragement that remains beyond any one moment.

• Suspended judgment. The focus of the work is so clearly on sacred intention, that there is no need, nor is there room, for all the habitual chatter about expectations, obligations, responsibilities, or implications regarding the individuals (or everyday relationship) involved. This is a chance to dive deep into your own physical and energetic expressions unconditionally, and without thought or concern about what’s going on “out there.” There is no need for the “hall monitor” to provide a running commentary on the experience … and there is a great sense of liberation in knowing this “unconditional self” is actually available to you at all times …

• Permission. This is actually closely related to suspended judgment but is so distinct and significant an outcome that I wanted to give it its own space. You are invited to have the experience of giving yourself “permission as you have never given it before” to BE. In this place of permission, you may have glimpses of the openness, expansiveness, and resource that are ALWAYS within you, waiting to be invited.

These outcomes require trust and courage – vulnerability and an openness to at least glimpsing a life lived unconditionally. Truly tantric work is most effective when explored in a container of conscious safety, groundedness, and unconditional love. Without clear intentionality, this container is easily compromised by the personal agenda of individuals involved in the negotiations (both conscious and unconscious) of “relationship.” One helpful approach is to create a ritual, signifying a clear beginning and end. This heightens the sense of sacredness, and allows the “ego mind” of each person to step aside long enough for the exploration to unfold.

People don’t generally give themselves/each other conscious access to the mysteries of the deeper, more intimate energies. I believe this is where the full richness of awareness and spiritual awakening awaits our attentions. And each person much approach the gates with their own sense of appropriateness, trust, integrity, and innocence.

SOURCE

I love this article on Awareness that I received from Gina Lake this week. It describes a simple and superb way of switching off and becoming quiet inside, one of the foundational aspects of what I teach when it comes to conscious sexuality:

NOTICING VS. GIVING ATTENTION

Noticing and giving attention to something are very different. When you notice your thoughts, you have stepped away from them and are no longer so identified with them. Noticing creates a space between your thoughts and you. When you notice something, you become aligned with the Noticer, or the real you. And that provides an opportunity to choose whether you’ll give those thoughts further attention or not. When you simply notice something, you are aligned with your real Self, or Essence. This Self is sometimes called Awareness. You are the awareness that is aware of, or notices, everything, including thoughts. You are not your thoughts or the thinker; your thoughts and the sense that you are the thinker is the egoic, or false, self.

Unlike noticing, attention is more like a spotlight that focuses on something to the exclusion of everything else and gets lost in it. When we give our attention to a thought, we become identified with it if our attention lands there long enough. Whatever we give our attention to becomes magnified in our awareness. Noticing, on the other hand, is more like a moving spotlight that doesn’t land in one spot. When we are aligned with Essence and noticing what we are experiencing, we are noticing lots of things: Our awareness moves from a thought, to a sensation, to an object, to a sound, to an intuition, to another sound, to a feeling, to a knowing, to another object, and so on. Our awareness jumps around so quickly from one thing to the next that we barely realize all the things it’s taking in. Noticing is what the real you, or Essence, does as it experiences life. It gives attention to what needs attention in order to function, and then it moves on. The state of ego-identification, however, is a state of giving attention to thoughts or feelings more than the other aspects of experience—and believing them. This ends up coloring our experience of life and interfering with experiencing it purely.

Continued HERE>

I have borrowed these exercises from a site I visit regularly. Enjoy!

“There are three exercises that I always teach as the basis for any Tantric work. They are Deep Belly Breathing, the PC Pump and the Pelvic Tilt. It’s best to learn each independently first so they are second nature. After that, you learn to combine the three.

The Breath

It’s always best to start with the breath. You would be amazed at how difficult it can be to breathe correctly. Some people cannot feel their bodies. If you are one of these people don’t give up, just keep trying and with practice you will get it. You want to really concentrate on taking a slow full breath in. Expand your belly, give room for your lungs to expand fully. Then when you want to exhale, just relax. Again, this may sound easy, but if you experience difficulty in isolating your belly and getting it to go out on the inhale lie down on the floor on your back. Put your hands on your stomach or a book or something so your awareness has somewhere to concentrate the sensation on.

When I coach, I always suggest starting any practice slowly so that you actually end up doing it. For most people an hour commitment every day just seems too difficult so they never begin. But if you start with three or four minutes a day, just lying in your bed before getting up, breathing deeply and consciously, you might actually keep doing it for more than two days. Then the more you do it, the more desire you have to remember to breathe this way. As time goes by you might want to more of it in the morning because it feels so good. You might even start to think of it in the middle of the day and check in on your body to see if you are breathing deeply or not.

People often wonder why I suggest learning this and stress it so much- it’s because there is nothing on the planet that brings us into our bodies and brings us more present to the now than the breath. It’s life and increases life force in our bodies, opening up orgasmic channels that help kundalini to flow.

The PC Pump

Women have been taught about this, the Kegel or PC (pubococcygeus) muscle, and how to exercise it for childbirth for years. We have been told that it reduces the incidence of incontinence that can develop with age. What isn’t communicated, however is the importance of this exercise for men. Studies have shown that doing this exercise reduces prostate problems in men.For both sexes, this exercise enhances your sexual experience. For men it is the basic exercise for learning ejaculatory control and for beginning to learn to be multi orgasmic.

For women, it helps bring on orgasm and enhances your sexual experience, too. If you are a heterosexual woman, you can really enhance both of your and your partner’s experience by learning to milk his vajra (Tantric word for penis. Another is lingham) with your muscles… it feels great to him and wonderful for you.

Some people have a hard time finding the muscle, but it can be easily learned. You just use the same muscles that you contract to stop the flow of urine. If you have any question as to what that feels like or which muscles you are supposed to be using, then practice the next time you pee. When you tighten the right muscle the flow of urine stops. You can start and stop numerous times to integrate the feeling. Then just replicate that feeling when not urinating, going back to checking when you are, just to make sure you have the right muscles. Many people think they are doing the right ones when they are really just contracting their lower stomach muscles. It’s really a good thing to check.

Once you get the basic feeling down, you can play with the the PC Pump in a variety of ways: try tightening lots of times really fast. Then tighten it slowly or alternate fast and slow.Try doing it R…E…..A….L…L..Y slowly, hold, then slowly release.Tighten it to about a third of the way, then again tighter, then again. Then go down in increments.For women, when you reach the bottom, bulge that muscle out like you are pushing a baby out. This is one exercise to begin to ready your body for ejaculation, ladies.

For the women: you can stick you finger inside yoni as you do the exercises to understand the feelings and to give yourself a sort of visual or more integrated kinesthetic knowing of your body. This can be especially helpful when learning milking.

The Pelvic Tilt:

When first learning this one, I have found that the easiest way to feel the sensation is to lie down on your back with knees bent, feet flat on the ground. Take your fingers and feel the area right above cheeks of your butt. Most people have a bit of an indentation on either side of the top of a triangle bone called the sacrum. The bone then continues down into a point about five to six inches or so. This is where you focus.

Usually when lying down in this position, there is a natural curve to the back, with this triangle,or sacrum, slightly arched, leaving a space right above it between your back and the floor. To get the motion down, tighten your thighs a bit and flatten only that sacrum part of your lower butt/back to the floor. Don’t round your whole back, just that part moves. Now press it under a bit more, arching the pubic bone up and tilting it at an angle. Then release and arch it the other way slightly exaggerating the space between the back and the floor. Again…this does not involve the whole back, just that sacrum area.

Try it a few times, then when you feel comfortable, do it rhythmically to a very slow beat, arching first one way then the other. Once feel you have the sensation of what it is supposed to feel like with the added pressure of the floor, you can then sit a zafu (or other pillow) on the floor or on a chair with no arms. Sit up straight on the edge of the chair, spread your legs and begin the motion in that position. Again..all movement is just in that lower part of the body- only movement below the waist should be going on. You can imagine that your pelvis is on a fulcrum moving back and forth while the rest of the body sits still.

Once you have this down, you can practice it in a variety of positions, always focusing on isolating that very lowest part of your body. Eventually you will feel so at ease with this, the Breath and the PC Pump exercises that you will be able to combine them for enhanced meditation practice, increasing orgasmic energy flow throughout the body, controlling sexual orgasmic release and grounding.”

A valuable article from Deva Charu. Much of what she says is what I’ve found to be true in so many ways:

As the things that used to titillate me and turn me on dissolve, I find myself asking what is it to be ‘turned on’ when it does not come from my brain?

It seems to me that most of the things that are sexually exciting to us as human beings fall under one of the following categories:

1. forbidden in some way eg. making love in public

2. inaccessible, unrequited eg. lusting after someones spouse

3. ‘bad’, unethical, just plain ‘wrong’ eg. sleeping with someones spouse, a teacher, co-worker

4. shameful eg. longing for some sordid sexual act

5. punish-able eg. (see ‘bad’, unethical)

6. somehow involving control eg. a feeling ‘if I am sexy enough to win this persons attention, I have ‘won’ control over them

For some(most) of us, we have been raised so isolated from sex and sexuality that we are turned on by anything sexual because to us it somehow falls into one of these categories.

And yet, when we find ourselves in loving, committed relationships, these elements are generally not a part of it, or if they are, the novelty wears off after a while and we are left with a person we love, who loves us and…???  How in the world do you get turned on within such freedom and love?

I always had a feeling that most of the time when I felt ‘titillated’ it came from my brain…being a meditator I imagined that as I let go of listening to what my mind was telling me, and little by little found my way back to the wisdom of my body, that all of these turn-ons would go away and I would begin to discover what is ‘authentic sexuality’.

I believe that I have had moments of this.  The first of which occurred for me in India at the Osho commune.  Each evening we would do a 3 hour meditation which involved dancing, listening to a lecture, speaking gibberish (making sounds), and resting silently…whenever I would participate in this meditation I would feel my heart open, and with it, my vagina.  I would often leave the meditation hall feeling a slippery wetness dripping down my legs…I felt very alive, and none of it came from stimulating my brain or what I had come to believe was sexy.  It was simply a bodily response.

I have also felt this several times within my relationship, moments when I have felt so loved, and allowed myself to receive that love…as my heart would open, my vagina would open in a completely genuine, alive delicious way.

…and, of course, one of the main things that drew me to Tantra, and that keeps me consistently dedicated to this practice is that in Tantra I have often felt the sweet, authentic, connected opening that I so long for.

Several times in my life, including right now, I have felt a wall come up, or a switch has been flipped ‘off’.  The things that once turned me on no longer do and I feel strange and slightly less than human.

Although I regularly practice opening my heart and my body, it seems that the door to my authentic sexuality does not yet know how to stay open consistently and I find myself in an uncomfortable numbness.  Or perhaps it is that as I am opening more and more and journeying deeper into unknown territory inside of me, I am gradually uncovering walled-off areas that I had been able to avoid when I was more disconnected.  Perhaps there was a more comfortable layer of behavior that has been burned away by the meditation and I am sitting with parts of myself that I had been safely avoiding.

My intuition says that something beautiful is happening for me, that I am meeting a new side of myself and as I allow myself to feel what is happening in my body, I will begin to discover a new level of authenticity…perhaps make new ground-breaking discoveries about what is available between man and woman.  Perhaps touch the depths of myself on a new level and learn to experience even more of life, even more of lovemaking, even more intimacy.

In the meantime, I am having trouble letting go and allowing.  I feel confused, frustrated and wrong for experiencing this.  I feel a responsibility to satisfy my partner, I feel a pressure from within to ‘hurry up and get through this’ so that I can again feel alive the way that I once did.

I am afraid of the unknown.  Afraid of what comes after this point.

The point beyond excitement into a discovery of essential arousal.

in love,

Charu

This is one of my favorite tantra techniques as it is simple, effortless, and can be done before you get out of bed in the morning or before you go to sleep at night.  And it may become habit forming!

Find a quiet, comfortable space with no interruptions.  Put on your sarongs, if you like, and lie on your sides facing, toes touching, with top arms resting lightly on each other’s body.  Use gentle taps to move from step to step.

1.  Allow your bodies to surrender into relaxation with your eyes closed, 5 minutes.

2.  Now gaze softly into each other’s left eye as you notice the sparkle, depth, and divinity. Relax your vision and blink as needed. Allow a gentle merging and melting. Maintain for 5 minutes.

3.  Breathe slowly, deeply, and synchronized as you continue to gaze for 5 minutes.

4.  Take turns speaking softly as you briefly share what you see in each other. It may be a soft heart and strong masculine energy, or a beautiful being who is blossoming into motherhood.

5.  Enjoy a sweet, slow tantric kiss, barely touching lips, as you focus on the soft skin sensations.

Thank your partner for sharing this sacred time and separate slowly allowing your bodies a gradual disconnect.  As you resume your day, maintain silence for as long as is comfortable.

Source:

PAM BABBIT

One of the more common reasons that male clients come to see me, has  to do with “premature ejaculation.” Surprisingly, many men feel that they are the exception in this, rather than the norm. There is also a fair amount of uncertainty on when one should tag on the label -  as in how premature is premature?

Looking at the word premature, it implies being not yet mature – or ripe. In that sense, it would be premature to end something that you want to continue enjoying. Unfortunately for most couples, orgasmic release generally ends things. This sense  of  “losing control” can be frustrating and disappointing – not at all what one wants to add into the mix of concerns we already have to deal with. So why is this chase and avoidance causing so much distress?

When it comes to sex, most people expect things to ultimately climax in “an orgasm.” I remember a few years ago how hard I used to have to work to arrive at this desired outcome. And to tell you a secret, it wasn’t just my orgasm that seemed hard to come by – so to speak. One of the the things that spurred me into exploring sexuality with such intensity, was my frustration at the way sex seemed so not what I felt in my gut that it could be. In fact I left my marriage at a cost to all I believed and trusted, because I reached a point where I knew that the sex was just never going to change and I couldn’t face living with it the way it was.

A lot of what I love about meditative sex is that orgasmic release is no longer the peak moment. In fact chasing orgasm or it’s opposite – trying to delay or avoid one – can become such a focal point that “the moment” is lost. When you drop the desire for building tension in order to explode that tension out again, you step into the bliss of being. You find that you’re now free to enjoy fully and intensely within a space of deep relaxation.

When you think about it, foreplay is really about touch.

Most women are very sensitive to the quality and intent of touch. The best way to see this is to do the following simple
exercise that will only take 5 minutes of your time.

Tell your lover that you are going to touch in different ways for one minute at a time. Now touch your partner only from the fingers to the elbows.

Now each minute touch a different way and tell your partner when you are changing but not what you are doing different.

* Touch like you are massaging.

* Touch with your mind on work, money etc

* Touch with total concentration on the sensations under your fingers and the pleasure of this.

* Touch to try to turn on your lover.

Now have a discussion on which type of touch felt more erotic and sensual.

Take turns and swap roles and then compare notes.

Most people find that paying a lot of attention to the sensations when touching, allows the receiver to feel much more pleasure.

One could call this being present in the touch. Many women find it difficult to find a man that is really present in lovemaking.

Most men seem to focus on trying to turn on their lover and are very goal orientated. This simple exercise shows how easy it is to be more present in one’s touch.

MAURICE TATE

Many of us are looking to improve our relationships or to find some ideal of the right partner. The media and any movie that you watch, completely supports the illusion. Everyone around you seems to do so as well. It’s only when we start looking a little deeper and questioning the conventional norms of society, that we may step away and start looking for ways to find the truth we somehow miss when we’re running around hoping for someone else to make us feel better. I have done this many times myself and I keep having to come back to the recognition that life is lived from within and Love lies ready and waiting in my own heart. Any outside loving that goes on is just an overflow of what has been found within.

Romance is perhaps the most common cover-up for the sense of fragmentation. If we are lonely, it must make sense that we need a special someone! Logical and cold, like a business transaction. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, a lover, someone, anyone! We have reduced them to a mere cover up for our sorrows – no different from the misuse of alcohol, the noise of our television, or killing time on the phone until we can next be with someone – as if we have so much time to kill!

Sex is the closest we can get to oneness on a physical level, and that is why it is so deeply satisfying. And when we peer deeper into our heart, fragmentation shows up as a need to attach, to cling, to melt and to merge. How many people are conscious of this lack? How common is this primordial sense of alienation? Common enough to show up on a standardised psychological test.

And so we look for someone to take away that feeling. When we are with someone, we can take our mind off that background sense of disharmony. Suddenly, our existence seems to have meaning. “I am not alone!” You exclaim, as you cuddle, hug, and kiss. “I have someone who needs me, who wants me! I am beautiful, I am wanted, I am worthy! I am no longer alone!”

And yet, a mere cover-up is all they will ever be. Even when we are with our loved ones, we are still just as we are – alone.

A few weeks ago, I was watching a documentary on the “host” sub-culture, in the nightclub districts of an affluent country. It revolved around handsome young men – dressed up gaudily, highly trained in seduction, paid to lounge around in special bars. They play host to multitudes of women – often young, pretty, and rich – who pay for their company, their caresses, and their idle flattery.

The film focused in particular on the finest host in town – a charming man who owned his own bar. He was living the dream. His prowess with women made other men pale in comparison. He stole women away from their husbands and boyfriends. Women fought over him, sometimes physically, sometimes by throwing money at him, and he goes home with a different one every night. It seemed he would be the last man on Earth to feel alienated.

Near the end of the documentary, I remember the interviewer asking him if it was all worth it. He hangs his head and sighs. “It was all fun for the first few years. But after a while…I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore. I am the loneliest man in the world.”

Well worth reading the full article in context: SOURCE

The following piece is from the e-newsletter of an American sex educator by the name of Maurice Tate. He’s quite an unusual person and rather radical in the way he writes and the services he offers:

When we first had this experience some years ago, she described a
state beyond thoughts and which was much deeper than sexual pleasure.
It was like she went beyond pleasure into a spiritual place of no
boundaries and intense ecstasy.

I noticed a nice change in my lover that lasted for months. She seems
much more content and loving, less critical and much more fulfilled.

The following are some tips to these deep sexual states based on my
own experiences with two lovers, one from the past and my current
girlfriend.

I asked my girlfriend some questions about these experiences:

“It takes time for me to enter into these states. I do not think too
much, but rather just surrender into the flow of sex. Its like
dancing when your body just moves to the music totally effortlessly.
I am in the moment, in the energetic flow, in my heart and feeling
totally open.

I start to expand out of the density into a higher finer vibration
and be in that. So I come out of the density of my body and go up
to a higher, finer vibration.

Its like my awareness expands and everything stops and just is. The
world drops away and it is more like expanding out of my physical
body but I am still in it. I enter into or expend into higher
vibrational senses, beyond orgasm.

Its like finding more of my whole self, experiencing my inner
stillness and universal energy. This state also has a witnessing
quality.

I need my lover to feel present with me energetically. Its like a
sexual dance and we both follow the sexual energy. It is a dance of
ecstasy.

When I start to dive deep, it helps me if I feel he is entering that
state too. The man needs to be able to step into a place when a women
totally opens, of carefully, honoring, supporting and loving me.

Sometimes I will follow my partners breath and sometimes he follows
my breath. By dong this I can experience energy circulating between
us”

I asked her what is one thing to focus on to develop these deep states.

“One has to risk being totally open, totally vulnerable. It took me
many years of sexual exploration to really experience this”

That last line may seem a little discouraging :) Or else it can be seen as a wonderful invitation to what you can be busy with for the rest of your life. Even though what is described seems a little unconventional and may sound much too unusual to even imagine getting there, in my experience it takes a desire to explore and the willingness to let go – increasingly. It’s not a fast-track method. You won’t find it in the pages of Cosmo or Men’s Health. Why not? Because it involves changing your basic way of living and being. In order to be as quiet and patient as what she is describing (which is the key to opening the body to this type of bliss) you have to develop an inner stillness and a surrender to non-doing that is quite the opposite to our typical Western life-style.

There are many ways in which men and women are quite naturally wired for this, and with a little help and guidance, both men and women can find their role and step into it.

Two other excellent articles are:

Making sex last longer

And one I would highly recommend:

Daily sexual devotion

Although many of the visitors to my site have little interest in spirituality or the esoteric aspects of what I write and talk about, there are some who have a vague and growing curiosity. I love to find simple explanations for the often clouded or mysterious teachings. It has taken me many years and loads of hunting and chewing, to begin to get a clearer picture. Even that is not very useful if it only remains conceptual. To live and emobody the truth is what it’s about – but where I’m currently at is often still on the level of seeking a clear understanding of the language.

Here follows a delightful and majestic study on the meaning of self-enquiry, which I’d love to share:

There’s a lot of truth to the notion that self-enquiry isn’t a practice at all, at least not in the ordinary sense of being some special “thing” we do. In the most basic respect it’s nothing more than consciously knowing ourselves as we are, as “egos”. Self-enquiry isn’t concerned with the qualities of the ego, but with merely feeling it directly and deeply. The strange thing is that as we feel into the ego more and more directly, it becomes more and more diffuse. I call this the “evaporative cloud effect”. Because the ego is not a “thing”, and is not an actual person, examination of it does not find anything definite there. Instead, the feeling of self begins to expand and diffuse, like a fog or cloud. As this occurs, the feeling of self becomes less confined and constrictive, and instead becomes open and clear. The body relaxes, as it no longer has an imaginary “center”. Instead, it finds itself centered and grounded in a deeper feeling of reality. The feeling of limited self begins to give way to a feeling of unlimited Self. The mind becomes naturally relaxed and easeful, rather than tense and concentrated. Thinking becomes clear, and merely functional. If one is engaged in some kind of demanding activity, the mind simply follows it naturally and intentionally, thinking as needed, and otherwise merely feeling into this sense of self.

SOURCE

(It’s well worth following the link to where i sourced this, if you would like to get the bigger context of this piece.)

Extracted from the writings of a profoundly wise man:

I heard this story once about a boy-child born into this world. The first thing that happened was his mother’s nipple was thrust into his face. Then, after a relatively short period, it was removed and forever hidden away from him.

Poor little fellow, without him consciously realizing it, he spent the rest of his life trying to see it and suck on it again. Every women he met became a potential candidate for this desperately sought reunion.

He was often hungry and restless because of this dilema.

Then, one day he met a very wise women. She said to him – “I am not your mother – No woman is – Leave my breasts alone – God is your only Mother – Go find her nipple and don’t come back until you know what I am. Only then will I lay naked in your arms.”

This really messed up everything for him. He had lived his whole life up to that moment assuming he knew what love is and why he did what he did in the world.

It was a shocking revelation: MAN-NIPPLE-NATION … MANIPULATION!

Within this revelation he perceived clearly that while he treated women this way, while he treated ANYTHING this way – he was nothing more than an insatiable sucker.

Oh! I suddenly realized…this is a story about me!

Just for some light entertainment….and for those who love Matt!! (he was in Space!)