Working with jealousy

Jealousy is a very powerful emotion that plays a role in almost all relationships at some stage. Being jealous of your partner’s interactions with other “attractive” people can cause a cycle of unhappiness, insecurity, blame and attempts to control. It can be the very thing that drives a partner away, and certainly it corrodes the trust and openness between people. I say “attractive” because as long as a partner doesn’t perceive a third party to be a threat to the relationship, there will be no jealousy. Believing that your partner might be attracted to a particular someone else, is what trips the jealousy trigger. Needing to evaluate others and to assess whether they would be “attractive” to your partner, can create a spiral of ricocheting emotions.

Jealousy is rooted in fear. This fear is not merely a fear of losing someone whom we value and appreciate. The fear is an extension of our own root fear of losing our identity – our ideas about who we are in the world. One’s partner is often seen to be a part of one’s identity and certainly as someone who values our identity, however it looks or appears. There are numerous kick-backs to having someone in our life but one of the greatest is the feeling we get of being appreciated, valued and accepted. While we’re “in love,” we don’t doubt that we are valued and appreciated. However, as soon as cracks appear or disharmony or disagreements happen we feel the security getting shaky and we may question or doubt the other person’s appreciation of us. This can rattle our own self-appreciation and is often when jealousy cycles kick in.

Jealousy usually leads to an attack of blame on the other for a supposed indiscretion on their part, when a lot of the time the problem is fed by the imagination and insecurity of the jealous one. The crack in the relationship has led to a sense that all is not well in our world. We’re reminded of the fleeting nature of all relationships. We’re thrown into possibilities of being alone or of being rejected in favor of someone else. We’re also confronted with the recognition that not everyone admires and values me absolutely all the time. This is a scary truth to face – and one that few are brave enough to master.

When jealousy arises it’s an alarm bell calling you to feel what is happening inside. Have you disconnected from love and is this a chance to check in with yourself and to reconnect with the love that is yours regardless of anyone else? Next, come back as quickly as possible to addressing what has led to a sense of discord between yourself and your lover – what has affected your sense of well-being, connection and “in-loveness.” If you address that, you will more easily calm your mind and heart through expressing your own lovingness and lovability.

One of the best ways to do this is through loads of soft, loving, gentle, non-sexual caressing and holding. Let yourself melt into all that you feel – into your fears and your recognition of how few guarantees there are in life – and express to your partner how that feels. It will take you a lot further than trying to manipulate them to give you a false sense of security.

Consider the following:

• You do not own your wife, husband, family, or your land — not even yourself.
• There are no such states as secure, safe or predictable. These states are illusions. We created them in our attempts to feel secure.
• You are here to experience life, not to understand it. No one understands it.
• Welcome all experiences.
• Life is wonderful, if accepted unconditionally. Resistance brings us pain.
• We are always getting what we need and not always what we want.
• Life is not intended to be serious. Think of the Giraffe :)