embracing your innate beauty and perfection
Talking about sex
I was just wondering why I don’t write as much about sexuality as I do about self-understanding. Perhaps because I talk a lot about sex during my day and I’m very used to it. I tend to forget how taboo sex is for most people, and yet how alluring it is too. I have to confess that it’s not like that at all for me any more.
Sex has become as normal and natural to me as breathing or eating. It wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t born this way and I certainly wasn’t brought up to be comfortable with sexuality. Touch used to be embarrassing. I can hardly believe there was a time when even non-sexual touch was awkward for me!
So how is it for you? I would imagine that if you’re a man, you think about sex fairly often. I’m not sure what the statistics are, but I seem to remember reading that it’s more likely a case of how many times an hour, not how often in a day. For women, I think the average might be measured as days apart.
Talking about sex is RARE for both genders. Men probably talk with their mates in a joking way, more than women do. I would guess that most women’s conversations with friends, would be slightly derogatory as well. I don’t really know as I don’t hang around with women much. I’ve had occasion lately to listen in on women talking about sex and I’ve been surprised and uncomfortable with the things I’ve heard. (Perhaps that’s an indication of my own issues though.)
I know for certain that very few people talk to ANYONE about sex in an open and positive way. The most surprising and sad reality is that couples seldom talk to each other about it. (That honestly is the norm, so don’t go thinking you’re the exception.) Isn’t it strange, that we can do extremely intimate things with someone else, but we kind of pretend to ourselves that it isn’t really happening? This is what is meant by the term “unconscious.” By not talking about it, we are avoiding facing our embarrassment or worse still, our guilt about it. By facing it, we make it conscious and so we free ourselves from the unconscious guilt, fear and aversion to it.
So why don’t YOU talk about it?
I invite you to do so, either in a comment here, an e-mail, or better still – by coming to see me. The freedom you feel when sex looses it’s edge, is amazing. Yes it also looses its thrill and excitement due to not being so forbidden, but who wants to enjoy a meal while sitting on the edge of your seat wondering when the meal is about to blow up in a puff of smoke and be over before it began …
You get my drift :)
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Jean-Pierre Hartman
Massage.co.za
Eckhart Tolle
Jeff Foster
about 2 years ago
According to the Kinsey Institute, 54 percent of men think about sex once or several times a day, 43 percent think about it several times a month or at least once a week, and four percent think about it only once a month. So while we ladies were under the impression that men only have a one track mind about this particular subject, we were most likely mistaken.
about 2 years ago
Thanks for that information. Interesting stats and I’d love to hear more and a reference perhaps? I’d also love to hear what others think about the findings of the Kinsey report. Also, how do men who read this find those stats compare with their own experience.
My view is that thinking about sex often, is very healthy. Feeling it in your body often, is even healthier. Sexual energy is closely linked to life-force energy (probably safe to say it’s the same thing.) To be in touch with our vital life force energy is beautifully invigorating. The generalised view of sex is that it’s to be frowned on and should be avoided where possible, unless you succumb to it.
However often sex comes up for you, what I encourage is finding a way to embrace and welcome whatever comes up. Feel into your sexuality instead of only thinking about it. Sexual energy can be felt as a subtle internal flow that you can channel and draw on as often as you want. You can breathe into it and dance with it – if you want to.
I’d love to hear your views on my reflections Anonymous. I’m not presuming everyone will think as I do.
about 2 years ago
Hi Jeanne
We’ve spoken a little about this in the sessions we shared and I have thought about it a lot since then. Thinking about sex is what men do all the time. Will she? Does she? Why not with me? Why with him!? Am I good at it? Is my penis big enough to impress her? Do I satisfy her? Am I good enough? What about that guy in her office she has lunch with? And SO MUCH more….
It’s about the image we portray and so to discuss sex with someone you’re intimate with is vey difficult – you first have to get beyond all these questions before you can even start to talk about sex in an open and meaningful way. Then, if you ever get there, you find your partner is hearing everything you say through her own filters so it’s a miracle if you are ever tru;ly understood (and this applies both ways) SIGH!
about 2 years ago
Thanks for sharing your perspective El. It’s good to hear an open rendition of what can go on in the head. And so understandable.
Big sigh on the filters, yes :)
Relating in pure awareness and presence without the interference of our pre-conceived ideas, isn’t easy. When we begin to taste of it in practice, the beauty of it motivates us to go deeper.
about 2 years ago
I strongly disagree that becoming comfortable with ones sexuality and learning to view its force in only positive terms takes the edge off of it, or removes some of the thrill. Awareness, acceptance, and an outlook of positivity can and will open you up to a world of sexual experience so beyond what you thought was possible it could not be anything less than thrilling, a deeply spiritual thrill rather than a rush of fear, uncertainty and haste. There is a difference between growing intimately comfortable with ones sexuality in an inward way, and wearing the magic and mystique off of sex by sharing and discussing it in detail with any Tom, Dick, and Harry. To keep its magic, sex needs to be treated with a degree of reverence and privacy, as a kind of secret shared between two people, but a POSITIVE secret, like an in-joke, or a unique understanding, not as a shameful secret. It is sex’s hidden nature that makes us often assume that it is shameful, but this is not what is intended at all – it is meant to be kept largely hidden because it is so special and moving when accompanied by such intimacy. For further discussion of this, I recommend the book Kosher Sex by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (you really don’t have to be Jewish – I’m not) where Rabbi Shmuley devotes plenty of discussion to the POSITIVE role played by taboo in an very sex-positive way.
about 2 years ago
I welcome your strong disagreement Maralott. I hear what you’re saying. Perhaps I can clarify my feelings on “thrills” to say that I personally don’t look for the thrill factor. But if it works for you that’s great.